I've not been doing a very good job of updating this blog. I created it to keep up with amusing stuff the children say and do, but life has just been too busy. School keeps me so busy, but thank goodness I only have 12 more weeks for this year, and then I'll be out for the summer. Although I did accept a part-time third shift position at ARMC for the summer, but it will be good experience and only 24 hours a weeks, so I'll still have plenty of time with the kids.

They are growing so quickly; Chloe has lost two teeth already; the bottom two and they are growing in nicely. She is so funny and smart and full of life. I really enjoy her, even when she is testing the limits and trying my patience, I'm still aware of what a blessing she is to my life. Andrew is growing into a wonderful little boy, so sweet; he's mommy's little guy. He is so quick with his little hugs and kisses, but he'll also pop you in the leg with a fist if you make him angry. He's got quite a little temper. A couple days ago, Chloe came in to wake him up for school. Usually she cuts the light on dim and softly calls him, telling him it is time to get up and play a few minutes before school. Well, on that day, she was not so gentle, turning the light on bright and yelling at him to get up. He jumped up with his blankie on his head and began hitting her on both sides of the head with his fists of fury. She ran out of the room screaming. Needless to say, she did not wake him like that again. Both of them are so precious; I try to put them first in every decision.

Allen and I have had a lot of problems through out our marriage. For the longest it seemed as if he didn't care and was unwilling to make needed change. The last few weeks he has been trying, but it seems like too little too late, and he has already shown me such an ugly side of his personality that I have a hard time believing his sudden sugary sweet attempts. It has already reached the point where I cannot stand to be around him and I'm miserable all weekend. It even affects how I interact with the children. We sat down and had a long talk today and agreed to a trial separation where I can have some time to try to work past my feelings and he can have time to work on things that he needs to change. I feel this is in everyone's best interest. Thankfully, Drew and Chloe are already used to living with Grandma through the week, so this shouldn't be a big adjustment for them. I'll take them to spend time with Allen every weekend, and through the week this summer when they are out of school.

It is hard to not feel like this is a huge failure, but I don't know what else to do; no one can understand what it is like until you've been there. I want what is best for Chloe and Drew, but sacrificing my happiness and Allen's happiness too is not what is best for them. If their parents are miserable then how can they be happy when we're together. I know the stresses in my life are playing a major role in this situation; the loss of my dad is still so hard and school is incredibly stressful. My relationship with Allen (if you can call it that) is the only stress that I can control, so I have to do this for my own health and sanity. Anyone that is close enough to me to have the address for this blog, please pray for us.

I'm Rambling Again

Well, we've made it through another holiday season. Christmas was as good as could be expected. I went a little overboard buying for Chloe and Drew, but they had a really good time and it helped take my mind off my dad. I can't make it through a day without crying. It has been the biggest adjustment of my life and I never expected to miss him so much. Mom is keeping a journal where she writes to him and talks about her feelings and what is going on in our lives. It seems to really help.

School is keeping me so busy that I'm not able to dwell on anything too depressing. Next week is our drug check-off, where we have to apply what we've learned about 16 medications, and also demonstrate proper technique for subcutaneous and intramuscular injections, and then the next week is NG and foley cath. insertion. Can't say that I'm too thrilled about either of those, especially inserting a tube into someone's nose and threading it into their stomach. Oh well, I'll get through it just like I do everything else, by being over prepared. And then, as a birthday present I get to wake-up at 5:00am and spend 12 hours at ARMC, but I'm actually looking forward to clinicals, so that I'll be finished with all the skills check-offs.

I'm really beginning to understand why there is such a nursing shortage. It is grueling schedule and only the most dedicated will hang-in there. I've adjusted to all the reading, and mastered (I hope) the testing format and actually made an A last quarter, and I don't really mind getting up early or the long hours, but I hate the skills check-offs; thankfully that is over after the first few weeks of each quarter. I think being in my thirties and being a mother makes me take this a little more seriously than some of the other students. I'm driven to read all the material, understand everything and know what to do in every possible situation, but there are those that remind me of high school with their stupid idle chit chat, talking about their boyfriends and staying out all night at parties. Sometimes I just want to scream, "Grow up this is a life and death career you are preparing for, so please give it the respect, though and consideration that it deserves!!!" I wonder how many of the "older" ones that I went to school with in this program 14 years ago felt that way about me?

Okay, let me make my way through the toy maze that is my living room and go to bed. I bet I'll step on three Lincoln Logs, a Tinker Toy or two, and don't forget those pointy little Light Brite plastic bulb things. What was Santa thinking? And don't even get me started on Moon Sand!!!

Okay, I know it has been a long time since I wrote anything here, and I had really good intentions of using this as a way to keep up with things that Chloe and Drew might enjoy one day, but life has just been so incredibly busy and complicated. I lost my father over a month ago (Nov 18) and life has not been the same since. You do not realize how important someone is to you until they are gone. I miss him so very much. Little things are so hard; walking through his garden, getting something out of his barn; even my beloved hikes in the woods are saddening. My first walk after his death was almost surreal; I crossed the creek and was reminded of my first memory of hiking with him; we had stopped in that very spot for me to play in a little rocky section, (I couldn't have been any older than Chloe) and I asked him how old was the creek and he answered as old as time itself, and then I asked would it still be here when we're gone and in his gentlest voice he said yes honey, it will. From there I walked up the hill and out in the open it was very windy and cold, difficult walking, but once I was in the thick woods; it felt warmer and I was sheltered from the wind. I thought to myself that a family is kind of like that stand of trees; you're right in the middle of it and you feel so protected and safe, but when one of those large trees falls, everything is out of balance and you're left with this huge hole to fill. Shortly after that thought I heard a loud crack and a tree fell somewhere out of sight. (What are the odds that I would think about trees falling and then hear one). I'm constantly reminded of him. I'm so thankful that I've had the last two years with him, almost on a daily basis. I enjoyed our talks at night after mom and the kids went to bed. Even though his mind was failing, he was still so wise and I valued his opinion on so many things. He made so many sacrifices for us; he worked for 35 years at a stressful job that he hated inorder to provide for us.

He got sick on the Friday before he died; mom and I both tried to get him to go to the doctor, but he refused; he passed out and fell in the bathroom about 2:00am that morning. We later learned that it was a mild heart attack, and the fall also probably damaged the large hernia that he had from his stomach surgery some five years ago. By Friday he felt so bad that he just couldn't stand it anymore, so he agreed to go to St Mary's. They admitted him and then he had another mild heart attack and the put him in ICU. I went to see him on Monday and he had audible fluid in his lungs and severe gastritis. I stayed with him until time to go pick up Chloe and Drew. I was very concerned about him. My brother Evan went to see him that night and we spoke on the phone, and he told me that he didn't think he'd make it through this; part of me knew it to be true, but I didn't want to accept it. Tuesday morning they called at 5:00am (family is not allowed to spend the night in ICU, so we were at home) and told us that he was in grave condition. He was sedated and on a ventilator. Seeing him like that was the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I knew he would not want to be kept alive in that way. We took turns staying with him and I told him how much I loved him and how thankful I was for all that he'd done for me and that I wanted him to get better and come home with us, but that if he was tired and couldn't go on and ready to go then it was okay. At about 10:30am a heart doctor came out to speak with us and told us that his heart was in pretty good shape, and if some of the other problems could be resolved then he might pull through this. It gave a lot of us false hope and everyone but me and mom left to get some breakfast. Mom and I ran down to the cafeteria and grabbed a quick pack of crackers and some juice and we went back up with him. We got in his room around 11:00 and he looked much worse; he was in atrial fib and his nose was turning blue. His nurse told us to call in the family. I called Greg first because he had the greatest chance of getting back and then I called Evan; he died with mom and I by his side; holding his hands and I was talking to Evan. I pray that he knew we were there and that he felt how much we love him. On the ride home from the hospital, someone on my Christian station said that God loves us just as much is our most painful difficult situations as he does in our joy, and I must say that I've felt His love through all this and now my earthly father is with our Heavenly Father and I'm so thankful for all that God's blessings.

Kermit (aka Sam Bo)

I've had a really tough couple of weeks. My kids have been sick with pneumonia and now Allen has been barking for about two weeks, so he's going to the doctor tomorrow, and now I feel a little funny like I'm catching a cold. But what really has me upset, is something that I did that was so stupid. I was bottle feeding four puppies, two cocker spaniels, one toy poodle and a shih tzu. All are about the same age and were having loose stool, so I mixed up some amoxicillin for them; they had been on it for several days and were doing better. Well, I drew up all four doses in one syringe and gave the shih tzu his dose first and the syringe stuck and I pushed harder and all the medication went squirting into his mouth. I tried wiping it out but he swallowed immediately. I thought to myself, well it is a safe antibiotic; he'll be okay. Well, that evening his diarrhea had returned, only it was like water and he was throwing up. I thought, "oh no, this is Parvo", but it didn't look like Parvo or smell like Parvo (if you've ever seen a puppy with Parvo you'll recognize it instantly; they smell of death and have very bloody stool.) I was so worried, because I knew that if he had Parvo; then the other three would get it over the next two weeks. Well, I began treating him for Parvo; I injected him with fluids every four hours just to keep him hydrated, and I felt like he was getting better, but then late Friday evening (after all the vets were closed) he started whinning and crying, like they do before the die. I wrapped him in a puppy pad and held him and rocked him and told him everything would be okay. I prayed so hard that he would recover, but if he couldn't get better for him to please pass quickly and not suffer. Then he started swelling and retaining fluid. At that point I knew it was not Parvo and I began searching my mind for what it could be and I thought of the Amoxicillin from the day before. I looked up Amoxicillin overdose and the symptoms included water like diarrhea, and fluid retention from not urinating. I felt so relieved that none of the others would get sick, but so sad that I had accidentally done this to him. He was of course my favorite; so sweet and so gentle, just an adorable little ball of fur with a flat face and big eyes. His name was Kermit and his best friend the Poodle is Miss Piggy. Piggy is so lonely without him, but she has bonded with Chloe and Drew and they romp and play in the kitchen.

I learned a valuable lesson from this. From now on I will put my medication in a little cup and draw up one dose at a time. Me trying to save time cost that sweet little puppy his life and that is a mistake that I never want to make again. Why do some lessons have to be so hard? I know, it is part of our growth and character development. If life was always easy, fun and happy then we wouldn't have much depth of character. Even in my sadness about the puppy, my first thought was to thank God for having the pleasure of caring for Kermit and to thank him for the health of my children and family.

Doggie NICU

I've been bottle feeding puppies for 12 weeks now. Allen jokes that my kitchen counter is a puppy neonatal intensive care unit. I have it all set up with plastic boxes, heating pads and a heat lamp. So far we've saved a cock-a-poo, cocker spaniel, five Boston Terriers, a toy poodle, a shih tzu and a Jack Russell Terrier. I love feeding and taking care of them. It is like having an infant to love and nuture, only you don't have to listen to it crying or rock it half the night, and you can just stick it in a box for four hours after you feed and potty it. I'm going to really miss doing it when I go back to school, of course I just might sneak them to school in a vented pet bag and feed them in the bathroom during my break. Of course I wouldn't be able to sneak them into the hospital during my clinical days. Maybe Allen or Amy will do it for me.

Going to School!!

Well, we've made it through the first two days of Chloe and Drew's preschool experience. Drew is doing a little better each day. At the orientation he screamed "I want my GanMa!!!" over and over again, so that he could be heard through out the school. He cried the first day for about 10 minutes and stopped crying very quickly this morning. I managed to make it to the car today before I began crying; unlike yesterday when mom and I both break out into tears before we leave classroom. It is so hard leaving them. Chloe is so mature and doesn't mind staying, but Drew looks so sad and it makes it so hard. He enjoys it once he accepts that he has to stay and he talks excitedly about his day when I pick him up each afternoon. His teacher said that he should quit crying within two weeks. I hope he adjust sooner. Now I have about six weeks before I begin nursing school; the thought of all that work makes me want cry too.

More Funny Stuff from the Kids

Me no cowboy; me cowman!!!! (Drew)


Mommy, now that I'm four years old I'm almost grown-up. Look, I have more hair growning on my arm! (Chloe)


(At bedtime) Daddy, you have Smell-A-Bella (doggie) breath; (the next morning) Daddy, you have dinosaur breath!! (Chloe)


Mommy, how does the egg get out of the chicken? (Chloe)


I'm just going to cut this TV off until I'm in the mood to watch it! (About a minute later she turned it back on)


Dat dog food tastes like broccoli. (Drew)



Mommy you go scoop (kitty) poop or me gonna scoop poop! (Drew)


If you see a dinosaur outside you should back away and go inside the house! (Chloe)



Drew it is my turn to be the Teeth Rex dinosaur! (Chloe)



Me not mommy's baby; me you BIG boy! (Drew)



Daddy you were really good outside today; you only fussed at Drew one time. (Chloe)