My Daughter and Husband Fought Over a Can of Coke. Who is the Bigger Child?

Children really change a relationship. Before we had children Allen and I rarely argued and we enjoyed each other. Now we argue about the children frequently and really get on each other's nerves. Our fights are always about the children and usually involve me correcting him for losing his temper and cussing and yelling at them or saying something totally inappropriate like "That is really stupid; you're always messing up". It makes me so angry; I repeatedly tell him that if he criticizes and belittles them then they will become what he describes them as, but he just doesn't get it. Well actually, I think he gets it, but he just doesn't control him temper and thus his mouth. The funny thing is that he never loses his temper around other people except for around very close family, so I know that he is able to control it; he just chooses to say whatever pops in his head. He is continually promising to think before he speaks, and I must say that he is doing better, but it still happens. For instance, yesterday afternoon he gave Chloe half a can of diet (caffeine-free) coke and she was so happy because she rarely gets anything like that. He came by later and told her to give it to him so he could have some. She started crying and whining not wanting to give it up. He just exploded and started yelling at her about how he always shares with her but he wouldn't anymore and why is she so selfish and disrespectful; a simple can of coke shouldn't cause her to cry and carry-on like that..... She of course ran to me crying. I calmly explained to him that he was pitching as big a fit over the coke as she was and that was really only reinforcing her bad behavior. If it is okay for daddy to blow-up over a can of coke then she can too. I went on to tell him that she never gets a can of her own and she was simply proud of it and wanted it for herself. She is still only three years old and really tired from not taking a nap today. He agreed that I was right and that he hadn't thought about it that way. Then we calmly explained to her the importance of sharing and using words to ask politely when you want something all for yourself. Now mark my words, in less than a month he'll have a similar episode with one of them, as if he completely forgot the lessons of yesterday. (In the midst of all his yelling and fussing Drew scooted-over beside me on the couch and whispered "Me no lub daddy when he yells!"

I really don't know what to do about this problem. He says that they don't listen to him because I correct him in front of them that I should wait and do it in private. The problem is there is never any privacy and I don't want either child to think it is appropriate to yell and cuss at someone else. I don't want Andrew to grow up and treat others that way and I don't want Chloe to become a doormat thinking that men are supposed to talk to you that way; therefore, I say something to him about the message he is sending and what would be an appropriate way to handle the situation. Sometimes he listens and follows my lead, but often he'll turn the anger on me and we'll argue. I don't start many arguments, but boy I can finish one. Allen is no match for me verbally. I can rip him to shreds in a matter of minutes and he is apologizing profusely for being such a bad husband and father. Then of course I explain to him that he isn't a bad husband or father. He is usually very patient and kind; he takes up time with the kids, playing with them and teaching them things. He helps me around the house and really tries to do more than his fair share and I truly appreciate all he does. His temper and verbal responses just need more work. I really feel that it will get better as the children get older; Chloe listens better since she is older and he doesn't fuss at her near as much, so once Drew is older maybe he won't cause as many fights between us either. The only problem is; what kind of impact has the fussing and fighting already had on them.