I've not been doing a very good job of updating this blog. I created it to keep up with amusing stuff the children say and do, but life has just been too busy. School keeps me so busy, but thank goodness I only have 12 more weeks for this year, and then I'll be out for the summer. Although I did accept a part-time third shift position at ARMC for the summer, but it will be good experience and only 24 hours a weeks, so I'll still have plenty of time with the kids.

They are growing so quickly; Chloe has lost two teeth already; the bottom two and they are growing in nicely. She is so funny and smart and full of life. I really enjoy her, even when she is testing the limits and trying my patience, I'm still aware of what a blessing she is to my life. Andrew is growing into a wonderful little boy, so sweet; he's mommy's little guy. He is so quick with his little hugs and kisses, but he'll also pop you in the leg with a fist if you make him angry. He's got quite a little temper. A couple days ago, Chloe came in to wake him up for school. Usually she cuts the light on dim and softly calls him, telling him it is time to get up and play a few minutes before school. Well, on that day, she was not so gentle, turning the light on bright and yelling at him to get up. He jumped up with his blankie on his head and began hitting her on both sides of the head with his fists of fury. She ran out of the room screaming. Needless to say, she did not wake him like that again. Both of them are so precious; I try to put them first in every decision.

Allen and I have had a lot of problems through out our marriage. For the longest it seemed as if he didn't care and was unwilling to make needed change. The last few weeks he has been trying, but it seems like too little too late, and he has already shown me such an ugly side of his personality that I have a hard time believing his sudden sugary sweet attempts. It has already reached the point where I cannot stand to be around him and I'm miserable all weekend. It even affects how I interact with the children. We sat down and had a long talk today and agreed to a trial separation where I can have some time to try to work past my feelings and he can have time to work on things that he needs to change. I feel this is in everyone's best interest. Thankfully, Drew and Chloe are already used to living with Grandma through the week, so this shouldn't be a big adjustment for them. I'll take them to spend time with Allen every weekend, and through the week this summer when they are out of school.

It is hard to not feel like this is a huge failure, but I don't know what else to do; no one can understand what it is like until you've been there. I want what is best for Chloe and Drew, but sacrificing my happiness and Allen's happiness too is not what is best for them. If their parents are miserable then how can they be happy when we're together. I know the stresses in my life are playing a major role in this situation; the loss of my dad is still so hard and school is incredibly stressful. My relationship with Allen (if you can call it that) is the only stress that I can control, so I have to do this for my own health and sanity. Anyone that is close enough to me to have the address for this blog, please pray for us.

I'm Rambling Again

Well, we've made it through another holiday season. Christmas was as good as could be expected. I went a little overboard buying for Chloe and Drew, but they had a really good time and it helped take my mind off my dad. I can't make it through a day without crying. It has been the biggest adjustment of my life and I never expected to miss him so much. Mom is keeping a journal where she writes to him and talks about her feelings and what is going on in our lives. It seems to really help.

School is keeping me so busy that I'm not able to dwell on anything too depressing. Next week is our drug check-off, where we have to apply what we've learned about 16 medications, and also demonstrate proper technique for subcutaneous and intramuscular injections, and then the next week is NG and foley cath. insertion. Can't say that I'm too thrilled about either of those, especially inserting a tube into someone's nose and threading it into their stomach. Oh well, I'll get through it just like I do everything else, by being over prepared. And then, as a birthday present I get to wake-up at 5:00am and spend 12 hours at ARMC, but I'm actually looking forward to clinicals, so that I'll be finished with all the skills check-offs.

I'm really beginning to understand why there is such a nursing shortage. It is grueling schedule and only the most dedicated will hang-in there. I've adjusted to all the reading, and mastered (I hope) the testing format and actually made an A last quarter, and I don't really mind getting up early or the long hours, but I hate the skills check-offs; thankfully that is over after the first few weeks of each quarter. I think being in my thirties and being a mother makes me take this a little more seriously than some of the other students. I'm driven to read all the material, understand everything and know what to do in every possible situation, but there are those that remind me of high school with their stupid idle chit chat, talking about their boyfriends and staying out all night at parties. Sometimes I just want to scream, "Grow up this is a life and death career you are preparing for, so please give it the respect, though and consideration that it deserves!!!" I wonder how many of the "older" ones that I went to school with in this program 14 years ago felt that way about me?

Okay, let me make my way through the toy maze that is my living room and go to bed. I bet I'll step on three Lincoln Logs, a Tinker Toy or two, and don't forget those pointy little Light Brite plastic bulb things. What was Santa thinking? And don't even get me started on Moon Sand!!!